Thursday, May 9, 2013

One hundred and twenty eight



I am a dog person.
That's what today was going to be about.  I had a little session with the dogs.  A puppy and a dog with Addison's disease have been a bit consuming lately...in wonderful and exhausting ways.  But...

Then I read this, and I had a sort of light bulb moment. First I was appalled that anyone would describe being a wife and mother as time wasted.  But while she may not have chosen her words wisely, part of me can relate.  Being home with my kids has been wonderful.  Best decision I ever made.  But recently I've been having a  motherhood midlife crisis.  Suddenly I see that my baby isn't a baby, she's becoming a wonderful little girl.  My son is now eclipsing me in height.  What is happening?  Well, if I'm doing my job properly, these kids won't need me to tie their shoes or look over their shoulders all the time.  That's the point.  They'll be equipt to face the world.  They'll still need me, just not like they did.
And this is were a twinge of regret comes in...

I took my foot out of the door.  Never fully found the career for me.  And while that is ok, and I want my daughters to see the value of being a mother and wife, I want them to also see women can be mothers as well as doctors, lawyers, dancers, teachers, etc.  It's just awfully hard to do it all at once.  And this is the real conflict, that somehow we are a failure for not doing it all.  (In addition to being vulnerable should something happen to our husbands or marriages)  And that is what I am really struggling with.  Luckily, I have four incredible little beings running around, constantly motivating me to be a better mom and a better person. 

I am continuing to be grateful...
for the wonderful life I have already been given and for the will and determination to make it even better.

2 comments:

Nicki said...

Years ago my husband and I reached a decision for me to stay at home to help our son who was struggling academically. The plan was that I would return full time to the work force once both children were in high school; the reality didn't quite work out that way. While it has its financial challenges, I don't regret a moment of being there for my children for the entirety of their school years. Either side you stand (work outside the home/stay-at-home-mom) - the struggle is always there. I guess the trick is to give it the best you can which ever side you happen to be on.

Adrienne said...

I'm sure I have more to say about this than I "should" in comment form! And I probably "shouldn't" have too much to say while in this nostalgia fog that has settled over me recently. For now, I'll just say thank you for sharing your journey. I have felt "called" to several pursuits in my life...the most surprising of those was motherhood. Having grown up with a mom who resented being 'stuck' as a mom, I never had a vision for it - but when it happened...as it happened, I knew it was something I was meant to do...to be. I believe there are other 'callings' ahead of me - just haven't heard what they are yet (and I don't mean that in an actual "voice is going to say something" kind of way!) I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the security to make their own choices...I made my own choices, but it was under the shadow of grave disapproval. As we grow in self awareness and self acceptance we teach them the same qualities. ok, I'll stop now!